I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
The uberlube is also flammable
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
