Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
