My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
