you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
