bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
