he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
