I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
