hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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