ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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