Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
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oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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