When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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