i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
