im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
