Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
