have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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