i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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