i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
