So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
