clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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