Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
