i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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