do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
