You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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