my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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