life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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