Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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