Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
