the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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