his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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