i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
