Apparently you make a good broom.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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