MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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