this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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