Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
sarcasm needs its own font
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
