I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize