turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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