HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize