I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
