So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
