Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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