oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
