she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I don't deserve a penis
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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