This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
