I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
you inspire me to be a worse person
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
