please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
