When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
