shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
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These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My breasts were aching with rage.
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Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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