I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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