Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
