i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
