So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
