Just fell off a train. Bad.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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