My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
