Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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