Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize