shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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