I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
